Would you like bread with that sandwich?



I suppose this is what I get for going to a fast food restaurant in the first place:

(For years, I prided myself in avoiding them. I was disciplined. But things change. Budgets get tighter. Schedules get funky. Certain people fall asleep in the car when you are hungry and miles from home. Certain sleepy people are best left sleeping at such times. To awaken certain sleepy people in order to accommodate your wishes is to release caged tigers upon the innocent. So, fast food at the drive through it is.)

But here I am, staring slack jawed at the confusing menu of stuff I mostly don’t eat, trying to find the one item I can order. It’s way at the bottom.

A disembodied voice sounds through the speaker box, jarring me from my stupor.

“Good afternoon. Would you like to try our SuperCrispyFriedCountryStyleBaconBurgerMeltWich today?”

“No. I would like one veggie burger please.”

“OK. So, one bacon burger. Anything else?”

“I’m sorry, no bacon burger. I said VEGGIE burger.”

“OK. Do you want the sandwich or the patty?”

What the ..?

“I don’t understand. I want a veggie burger sandwich.”

“Do you want JUST THE SANDWICH or do you want the PATTY ?”

“I want the veggie burger and the sandwich.”

This is absurd. I have to specifically request the burger portion of the sandwich now?

“So you want the patty then?

“I’m sorry I don’t understand.” 

“Please pull around.”

‘”Please pull around” crackles through the speaker in an exasperated tone reserved for the hopelessly stupid.

As I’m “pulling around” to face my tormentor, I wonder who would pay for a veggie  burger and then order the sandwich without the burger itself? Or the burger without the sandwich? How exactly does someone eat a burger, toppings and condiments without the bun to hold it all together? Why not just order a salad?

My  20-questions reverie evaporates as the drive-through window slides open and the smell of grilled meat and fried food slaps me in the face.

After a quick chat with the drive-through order taker, I learn this establishment now offers two options for vegetarians: the veggie burger is option No. 1 and, and its signature hamburger “sans the patty” is option No. 2.

OK. So, a veggie burger isn’t a veggie burger, it’s a patty. A “signature hamburger” without the hamburger is a sandwich

Got that?