I am …

This is written in response to San Diego Momma’s PrompTuesday NO. 140, Where I am:

I am a flower of harmony who starts wars on occasion.

I am a cup of hot coffee with extra cream.

I am a snow drift and a hot beach.

I am wind in my hair and wheels on the road.

I am a Chinese girl on the inside.

I am a mountain view in my mind’s eye.

I am a sleeping bag on the forest floor, a pillow made of whatever’s available.

I am aiming for the center line, the middle way, bouncing off the left and right.

I am a loud voice and a cheap shot to protect a vulnerable core.

I am a nurturer of all things and a mourner of the smallest of deaths.

I am bright red wrapped in black.

I am a reader of maps, a plotter of paths.

I am an untethered mind attached to an anchor of a body.

I am a mother of two daughters.

I am a daughter who wants to be mothered.

I am brave because I lack the courage to be weak.

I am an imperfect partner; I hoard love.

I am convinced I have art inside of me, buried under all the excuses.

I am convinced I have a heart inside of me, buried under all the ice.

I am an unfinished painting.

Right now

MZ archives

Right now.

It’s all I have. It’s all you have, too.

So simple. So difficult.

If right now is on a sunny beach, with a gentle breeze caressing your cheeks and a cold beverage is parked nearby, now is a great place to be. If now is trapped in your car on the 402 in Ontario, now is a personal challenge. There are so many nows between those extremes, each with its own set of emotions and expectations.

On a recent right now, I gathered with a group of people I know and we talked about this whole idea. We’re working through some things together: Can we be happy where we are right now, even though we haven’t found the perfect mate, or landed the great-paying job, or made our mortgage payment for the second month in a row, or renovated our kitchen so that it’s on scale with all our friends and neighbors? Can we?

We talked, had lunch, and then helped one of the group members paint their new home. It was a cathartic afternoon.

In that right now:

I shared a real laugh, like I haven’t in some time, that came from deep within and released so much stress and sorrow.

I cringed as I realized I still have work to do in the self-editing department.

I felt the warm embrace of a community.

I got a little light-headed on paint fumes.

The wistful face of the little girl who would occupy the room I was slathering in liquid lilac looked up at me balanced on the ladder with both impatience and excitement. I heard her unspoken: When will you be done?

Never, I thought to myself. I need to keep painting.

Outside the sturdy old walls of this home, the world was a cottony blur as a major winter storm pounded the landscape. The arctic winds slapped around the heavy snow, sending it screaming through window cracks. I felt its icy tendrils wrap around my neck and ankles as I moved around the drafty room. On the obliterated walkways, dark figures trudged through the deepening drifts.  Did they have a warm place to call home? A bubbling pot of stew on the stove waiting to fill their empty bellies? Did they have a community on which they could heap their problems, both real and trivial?

Right now: I feel like I’m up to my neck in quicksand. Some days. Not all.

Don’t flail about, I’m told. Just sit still. Look at that quicksand. How big is it, really? How much of it did I truck in on my own vehicle of pitiful embellishment?

Maybe, upon quiet examination, the sea of quicksand is really a puddle. Maybe I can look at it this way:

Right now, it’s OK.

It’s OK that my mother will find fault with everything I do, with how I’m raising my daughters, with how I’m celebrating Christmas, with how I choose to spend my free time.

It’s OK that I get angry at my children for pushing my buttons.

It’s OK that my life isn’t as lavish and exciting as some of my friends’ lives. It’s OK that I have a warm home, a refrigerator full of food, a cozy bed, and all my utility bills paid while some families huddle in shelters.

It’s OK that I’ve painted outside the lines.

Right now, having the right people around is everything.