Seeking a status change

status

“It’s not your fault.”

This is what friends and family reassure me when I start to think that resigning my job almost three years ago put us in the black hole we are in today.

Who knew everything would fall apart in two years? They ask.

You would have been out of a job anyway, they assert.

Your children needed you, they remind.

True on all three counts.

The plan was to take one year off work. One year to help my newly adopted daughter bond and attach and adjust and feel that she had loving caregivers in her life who were there for her 24/7 if needed.

Turns out, it was needed. It took two years of dedicated attention.

Unfortunately, after the two-year mark, when my husband and I both knew it was time for me to go back to work, our world fell apart. The automotive industry tanked. It is the lifeblood of this region.

The newspaper industry crumbled. It is the lifeblood of this family and most of our friends.

So, there you have it: two major industries that had everything to do with our bottom line in ruins.

Our little world we worked so hard to create, a secure world of steady pay and healthy savings and home equity,  a few nice vacations a year, didn’t include worrying about unpaid bills or clients who are slow to pay or who do not pay at all. Worries were for things like would we get good seats for the concert? How much would braces cost? Will the scratch on the lease car be counted against us when we trade it in?

I’m seeking a status change: from stay-at-home mother who tried to work from home but found that what she does isn’t worth more than a bag of pennies to full time working mother who’ll do what it takes to save her home and family.

I’m  seeking status change from someone who labors over every dime of the weekly grocery budget, who is sick of the college diet at mid-life to someone who can actually eat at a restaurant once in a while, or order a fancy coffee drink without thinking that someone else in the family will do without something because of this one selfish act.

I’m seeking a status change from someone who hovers over a gaping pit of bitterness and despair about things for which she has no control to someone who openly accepts change and pain because she knows it will make her a stronger person.

That’s what’s on my mind today.

Back to the funny business tomorrow.

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