Trouble in Blogville

This is what happens when you decide to save money on a decorator and do it yourself.

First, you try to update your existing blog template and end up taking out a load-bearing wall. Oops.

Next, you decide to pack up and move to an apartment while the repairs are under way.

At the walk-through, you fall in love with scenic view, the simplicity of the layout,  and the freedom and flexibility to upgrade and redecorate. So, in a moment of passion, you sign the lease.

On the big day, you slide the key into the lock, turn the knob and step into your new home and — it’s all wrong.

Somehow the great view was a trick. The mountain vista is really a pile of trash covered in moss.  None of the outlets or appliances work. The doors stick. The landlord won’t return your calls.

You’ve invested money in custom paint, rugs and window treatments.

So, you have a dilemma: Don’t unpack, cut your losses and keep looking for a new home, or make the best of it, hire a professional to fix the problems.

I’ll be deciding in the next week whether to stay or go. Bear with me here.

On a related note, there is also some trouble with the phone lines in Blogville.

I’m unable to comment on some of my favorite blogs because the comment system locks me out.

In one case,  I don’t know what the frick is wrong. I’ve upgraded my site, made adjustments, and so have they. Yet, my words are trapped in some comment limbo.

Some of it is my doing. I have three Google e-mails. So, if I comment using the Google/Blogger ID system, I’ll be identified either as MOM without the accompanying URL link to explain it is MomZombie and not the woman who gave birth to you, or MY REAL NAME (not an option and you still wouldn’t know it’s me), or a string of numbers that will make no sense to anyone outside my family.

For whatever reason, I cannot comment using the Open ID system or by selecting WordPress. There aren’t enough hours in the day to resolve these issues.

The best way for me to comment on a Blogger blog is to select the NAME/URL option, which many of you provide as an option. Thank you. Whether or not you want to adjust this for little ol’ me is up to you. But consider this: There may be others out there who love your blog, too, but cannot comment due to these restrictions. And you may not know it unless they take the time to send you an e-mail or a message through Twitter.

So, there it is. There are bugs in the walls. There are leaks in the pipes. Yet, in spite of all these inconveniences I keep blogging.

I must be crazy.

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Spam, you have me all mixed up

spamwich

Do you read your Spam?

I do. It’s that sick part of me that pretends I have so much fan mail that it takes pages and pages to get through it all.

… ahem …

Here is a sampler of what my fans around the globe say to me:

Hi there, I found your blog via Google while searching for first aid for a heart attack …”

“New here .. Found this site for searching for criminal/dwi/dui attorneys on Long Island, New York.”

Gee, thanks. I’d like to think if I were having a heart attack, someone would call 911 rather than search the blogosphere for first aid advice. That’s just me, though.

On another post about my blogging anniversary, I got a little battle of contradictions:

One guys asks: “what r u talking about?”
Another thinks I’m a softie: “So mush Info”
While another declares: “Hey good stuff…keep up the good work!”

Roy90, whom I have never met, seems to have me mixed up with someone else, but I’ll take the accolades anyway.

]evidence

What’s with the medical advice? Do babies have hemorrhoids? If there is someone other than a nursing mother wearing a nursing sports bra, I don’t want to know about it, OK?

Hi, I have been looking into some natural hemmorid treatments and cures and I am looking for anyone that has tried them? … I am just looking for something safe for my baby…I am pretty much staying away from any chemical/medicines…just to be on the safe side.”

“Hello to all Moms…!

I need assistance on market researching nursing and sports bras.

Please, only moms reply.”

And my advice regarding the following diatribe is that mothers and sons should not be shopping for bondage gear together, OK?

A mother, her son, and why women on top of 50 bondage gear should look after some brand of modesty”

How about Mr. show-off Pierre, who makes me feel like my husband is being a cheap skate on our anniversary?

“I’m Pierre. I bought my wife a dress, renovated our living room and took her on a vacation,

but the thing that stirred her the most was without a doubt my intention to buy loose diamonds for our gold wedding anniversary.”

Well, Pierre, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, isn’t it? Stop throwing your money around. Your wife is probably plotting her getaway after cashing in those loose diamonds.

Next, a series of left-handed compliments:

“Thanks for keeping it on point! Speak slower, louder, quieter”

“Hey, I found your blog in a new directory of blogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, anyway cool blog, I bookmarked you.”

“In truth, immediately i didn’t understand the essence. But after re-reading all at once became clear.”

Some Spammers just need to get a life — or a better line:

“Hey Folks
I’ve been around here for a while now, and I finally found something worth writing about: I found a great deal on custom entertainment centers.”

“Hi! I’m looking for an advice where I can watch movies? ”

These two should get together. Anyone know a good Spammer matchmaking service?

“If you know someone around you who is being a little shady and you are getting uncomfortable around them, then maybe you might want to run a small background report on the person in question to make sure that they are ‘who they say they are’.”

“’I’m a lawyer.”

And, in closing, I leave you with these gems:
“Where’s the blog roll?
“If cash comes with fame, come fame; if cash comes without fame, come cash.”
”When is the next bus to the airport?”

Note: I didn’t bother cleaning up the typos, misspellings and other errors in the Spam. Why should I make them look good?

What’s in your SPAM folder?


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