The politics of divorce and death

English: Still shot from 1914 silent film, Sho...

Still shot from 1914 silent film, “Should A Woman Divorce? ” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Mom, you should talk to dad.”

This is Girl from the West — a young woman made tall by high heels, and made to look in charge with hair pulled into a tight knot atop her head — greeting me as I arrived. After a few minutes of small talk, she nudges me toward a man I barely see or speak to since our parting nearly 15 years ago.

So I inhale, exhale, square my shoulders and walk to the front of the room, wrapped in a little more insecurity than I would like. I feel a bit like a child summoned to the front of the class for tardiness.

In the hour I spend there, with my current spouse and Girl from the East nearby, I am not able to snare my ex-husband, because that is what it feels like, a hunting expedition. I try to part the sea of people between us. He keeps himself inside tight circles, enclosed in embraces and engaged in intimate conversation. It’s been our dance for years. Was he avoiding me? I don’t know.

While siblings, aunts, uncles and neighbors greet me, his longtime partner ignores me. I leave feeling a little confused.

It’s all so confusing. My ex-husband’s mother died this week. The woman who once was my other mother, who served as one of Girl from the West’s main caretakers through those precious and needy years, which also were in some part the divorce and single parenting years, the remarriage and second child years, and the polite wave and small talk at school concert years.  She did more for all of us than we probably deserved. I don’t think I ever thanked her.

What are the rules in a situation like this anyway? What are the boundaries?

Only twice in the last decade have I had this much contact. Six months ago we gathered under a park pavilion on a sticky summer afternoon to celebrate Girl from the West’s high school graduation. It seemed on that bright day that all had been forgiven. Six months before the party, I’d had coffee with her, when we came as close as we ever would to closure.

In the black hours before dawn when Girl from the West received the call, when she could not process the sudden death of her grandmother, who’d been ill but recovering, and between fretting about her making the long drive across the cold, dark city, I wondered about my role in all this. It seemed like a selfish, but necessary, thought.

In the end, I let my daughter write the role for me.

At the funeral, I sat in the back with the other ex-spouses. We attended all the rites, but kept to the sidelines. Silently, I thanked my first mother-in-law for her selfless duty. I asked for forgiveness.  After all, she cared deeply for my child and did so much to give her a good life. My ex-husband, for whatever I think of him and how distant we are, is now a man without living parents.  I acknowledged the gravity and inevitability of that, too.

At the end,  I finally connected with my former spouse. I stopped trying and it came naturally. We had eye contact, we embraced. He wept. I felt his pain. I felt a compassion buried for almost two decades. I discovered my own grief.

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8 thoughts on “The politics of divorce and death

  1. Wow, that is one dicey situation. It sounds like you handled it wonderfully and that it provided a nice amount of closure for you with your first mother-in-law and your ex-husband.

    I’m sorry for you loss and I wish you and all of your family peace.

  2. Of course, I could so relate to this post. It is really hard to detach from your former in-laws. When you have kids, they still remain part of your family. I am glad that you had a moment with your ex. I could just imagine myself in your shoes. I still care about his family, and he cares about mine. You really did the right thing, and your smart daughter knew it!


    • Molly: For years I was confused about the relationship between former in-laws. After the divorce, I began calling my nieces my daughter’s cousins until one day one of them asked me why I was saying that. Then I realized, you cannot erase blood lines. She IS my niece. Always will be. I didn’t divorce her, did I?

      • I would agree, but that is a tricky one for us as well. My sister’s daughter has asked if my ex is still her uncle and told me last year that it was weird to see me with another man (which I was at the time but no longer am).

        • Molly: I lost a favorite aunt to divorce years ago. I didn’t want her to leave us, but she did. I still think of her as my aunt although I never saw her again.

  3. I am I am terribly sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. And I also think you handled such an incredibly difficult situation, with absolute perfection. And hopefully, this will bring all the closure you’ll need?

    • Meleah: I am hopeful. Sometimes a death of someone close is a good kick in the pants to let us know what’s important in life.

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