Pulled apart

Are these the end days of this blog?

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t even like the name. I regret ever putting “mom” into the URL. It’s a deal killer for some people, you know?

I do not regret blogging. I’m proud of what I’ve written here. I’ve met a few of you and it’s been a gratifying experience connecting a human being to powerful words. When I jumped in five years ago after trading my career for stay-at-home motherhood, I did so because I missed writing, being part of a creative team, being with grown-up people who collected paychecks.

I thought this blog was the start of “something.” I had hours to fill. I was lonely. I needed a focus outside of diapering, feeding, and housewifery. I thought writing about my life would be enough. It took a long time to make connections and earn readers. Sometimes I wanted to give up.

But, I persevered. Luckily some folks noticed, made me feel I had a reason to keep posting. I learned that blogging is like dating. Sometimes you’re hot. Sometimes you’re not. How many times have I developed a crush on one of you only to wake one morning next to a cold pillow?

Five years later, as I prepare to send my baby to kindergarten, as my oldest daughter spins farther out of the family orbit, as my husband and I figure out what to do with our 2012 plan to move to Colorado that will have to wait a few more years, my blog sits in the corner begging for attention and pressure builds to find something to do with myself.

I’m split. My head yearns for new projects, challenges, stimulation. My heart is heavy with the knowledge that my baby will be in the hands of the education system, leaving behind a silence in the spaces we occupied for a thousand or so days. My hands and feet itch to move about freely during the day without concerns of child care, feeding schedules, nap time, and never-ending messes. My nerves jangle with the upcoming projects and commitments to which I’ve already said yes.

Will I go back to work? To what? My industry imploded a few years ago. What remains are shards reflecting very little of what I knew, what I learned. I’m outdated. The debris of its ruin are fashioned into something new, something I’m not sure I really want to take part in anymore. I’ll need retraining, schooling, updating.

I’m torn. I’ve gotten to know my community and not just live in it. I volunteer. I’m thinking of joining the community farm. I’m part of a network of families and friends who hold each other up.  In spite of all my efforts to keep a safe distance — since we knew we were relocating thousand of miles west of here — I’ve opened my heart to this town and its people. My heart is no longer safe. Yet, another part of me stirs with longing to move on.

Right now my Girl from the East is playing dress up. She twirls on the hardwoods in her purple tutu and sparkling shoes, a magic wand keeping time to Sonic Youth. She’s enjoying her last days of spontaneity. I’m enjoying my last days of winging it as I please, too.

My heart all at once aches for the impending changes and flutters with excitement of the unknown.

Reading the various posts from BlogHer ’11, one of the barometers of this medium,  I feel I’ve steadily become irrelevant in a blogging world I never really fit into. I’ve yet to  brand myself (I did burn my forearm on the iron last week. Does that count?) I’m just writing, and anonymously at that, not selling, promoting, marketing or collaborating. Maybe I’ll come out of the closet.  In six months it won’t matter.  My custodial agreement expires. I can fuck the universe if I please and I won’t have to worry about answering to an officer of the court.

If nothing else, this blogging experiment, whether I keep it as it is, reinvent it, or put it away with the baby things, was part of my stay-at-home motherhood. I’ve created a historical record. And a few people actually took the time to read it. Thank you. That’s still amazing to me.  I didn’t find fame or fortune. I didn’t become a household name. Does it matter, really?

I’m torn. I’m split. I’m going in all the directions.

Thankfully, I know how to sew.


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15 thoughts on “Pulled apart

  1. I’m going through a similar thing with my blog now that I’m working full time – glad to hear you’ll be around in one form or another because I’d miss ya! PS I met Thurston Moore a few weeks ago (sorry couldn’t resist sharing since you mentioned SY!!!).

  2. Tanya: Thanks. I just wishing blogging could be more about the writing/documenting of lives and not about hooking up with toothpaste manufacturers. How cool to meet Thurston Moore!

  3. I related to this post a lot. I consider myself a writer, have been blogging for six years, but never did anything I was supposed to with the blog. But I never think about quitting it, and I don’t know what that says about me. Blog, I don’t know how to quit you. I really hope you don’t go away–I love your writing.

  4. Sam: Thanks for the kind words. I don’t think I could quit my blog, either. Maybe my newfound free time will provide inspiration.

  5. Molly: This reminds me when I started my blog. I passed along the URL to a few, select people. The response was underwhelming. I think beyond just writing, I love connecting with people all over the world, people I’d otherwise never meet. Amazing people who’ve touched my life in all sorts of ways. And — Kim Gordon at yoga? Cool.

  6. I hear you, I hear you, I hear you.
    And please never say you’re irrelevant.
    I love your blog because of how you write, and that will never be irrelevant.
    Yes, blogging is going in a direction I find is not my thing, but we gotta keep writing! It will come back around.
    San Diego Momma recently posted..PROMPTuesday InterludeMy Profile

  7. San Diego Momma: I just found this comment NOW, nearly a month after you sent it! Yes. We will NOT sell out. I am flexing my fingers and massaging my brain to begin another round of writing.

  8. Your comment piqued my curiosity, I had to come and find out more. Wow. It’s astounding how though I don’t know all of your details (as you didn’t know mine) that I totally get what you’re saying here- like I’ve said it all in so many words before. I’m glad it seems that you’ve decided to keep going. I, too, am looking for my niche, if there is one for me in this blogosphere, as I think a large majority are. Your doubts and second guessing is normal, you’re definitely not alone.

  9. Tena: Sometimes I just hate the word “niche.” It’s like being boxed in. Sure, focus and discipline are good things, but they also can restrict your movement. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

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