Today I stand at the crossroads.

My Girl from the East, who was a mush and Cheerios eater when I started this blog four years ago, (yeah, there was an anniversary here recently) graduated preschool last night in a ceremony that was so sugar frosted my teeth ached by the time it was over. Who can resist 20 five-year-olds singing with hand-made mortar boards on their heads? No one.

I’m at the end of one thing and the beginning of another. We are in the twilight of our innocence. My girl and I connected in a smoke-filled room in China almost five years ago and haven’t been apart more than a day or two since then. Stay-at-home motherhood  was not what I expected. I hated some parts and loved others. I have no regrets.  I was there for the first words, the first wobbly steps, the potty training, first friendships and preschool experiences. And all along the way I was at her side or close enough to catch her fall. Once she gets on in the world without me for seven hours a day, it will change. No longer will I be the all-knowing, omnipotent center of her universe.

In three months Girl from the East will  board a big yellow bus, wave to me,  and in a rumble of diesel exhaust leave me behind to figure out a new way to fill the hours of the days of my life.

Which brings me to the next  big thing: my health. I am not better. I am not worse. I am the same in a way that I don’t want to become the new normal. I’m on the dark side of a divide, one in which something about myself will be learned once I step into the light. Maybe I’ll have to give up certain foods or household products. Maybe I’ll have to get on medication. I don’t know, but I suspect a life change.

I’ve been forced to slow down. I’ve started saying no to things without hesitation. I’ve been reading and resting a lot. I’ve let things go, particularly my gardens. They will survive. Nature is tough.

Today is the end of one thing and the beginning of another.




10 thoughts on “End/beginning

  1. Finally got some help from my psychiatrist…seems to be the thing. The last few days have been a real wonder. Don’t be afraid to try the meds, and if the first one doesn’t work, keep trying! Meanwhile, we are here to listen.

  2. I think it’s always just as one major era shifts that the next one brings completely unexpected changes. You’re strong: you will deal with grace whatever is coming.


  3. Summer and Grande Mocha: Five is a cute age. I’m savoring every moment.
    Libby: I have an acupuncturist’s card in my wallet.
    Unmitigated: I’ve read there is a trio of meds: Zyrtec, Zantac and Xanax that do wonders for this condition. I’m on two of the three and it’s actually helping.
    Teacher Mommy: Hugs to you, too.

  4. I cried my face off when my son graduated preschool. And I cried even harder when he got on the bus to school for 1st grade. Please, take care of yourself. Maybe medication IS in order? PS: I live *LIVE* on Zantac and Xanax. And yes, they DO work wonders.

  5. Meleah: Thank you. The drama continues to unfold. I hate meds but I have to admit they have been helping.

  6. Congratulations on being the parent of a preschool grad!

    I hope you are able to focus on yourself as much as possible so that you aren’t stuck in the new normal.

  7. I have been absent from the blogs with the job hunting suck the life out of me and all. Anytime I get to the computer, it’s all about the hunt. So I miss out on what’s going on. Then I read this post and wonder – what the hell is going on over there? What’s happening with your health? Clearly, I’m going to have to read more. But I’ve had a few periods of stress-related health issues and maybe I can help? In the meantime: be VERY careful with Xanax – very careful. That stuff is highly addictive and horrible to wean off.

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