Pie in the sky

“Have you seen a pie anywhere? I can’t find the pie.

The pie? What pie? I did not bake a pie. I did not buy a pie.  We had one-half of a leftover lemon meringue on the counter. This was some other pie that arrived from some other place for some unknown reason and then was lost. No further information offered and none sought.

Through my haze of cold meds and cough syrup and fever, my husband could have been asking me anything: Have you seen a bag of ball bearings floating over the house? Any polka-dotted elephants curled up under the bed lat night? Thoughts inside my head did not make it out of my mouth with any coordination of words and logic. Likewise, statements floating on the current filtered through my brain as nonsensical fragments.

“Have you found that pie yet?”

Twice in the last week I ventured out of my house. Once to go to the doctor’s office and pharmacy. A second time to Target to get “something or other.” Really, it was a test to see if I could be upright and among the living. After 30 minutes I felt the pinpricks in my chest and watched as the buzzing haze descended upon my head. Time to go home.

On the way home, roaring down the expressway at 70 mph, I round a curve and see in my mirror a brownish-yellowish disc rise up in my wake. The object soars above the traffic before it plummets to the pavement in a spray of dough and goop. A plastic container bounces and rolls along the shoulder

What the ….?

It looked like a pizza! Some asshole put a pizza on my car. What kind of jerk would put a pizza on a car? No, wait. That’s weird. Not a pizza. Hmm, what did I buy at Target? Nothing large or round or goopy.   Hey, wait a minute ….

I grab my cell phone and punch in my husband’s number.  “Honey?”

“Yes?” my husband replies slowly, taking a cue from the rarely used endearment.

“Were you looking for a pie recently?”

“Yeah, did you find it?”

“I think so.”

“Where was it?”

“It was on the roof of my freakin’ car! And now, it’s all over the expressway. Oh, my god. What if it had landed on someone’s windshield? A pie! I’ve been driving around for days with a pie on my car. Oh, great. I went to the doctor’s office, the pharmacy, I pumped gas. No one said to me: ‘Hey lady, you got a pie on your car’. No one. What the hell! How does your pie end up on top of my car?”

We think about this together. How does a sweet potato pie go from a loving grandmother’s hands to a car roof? It has something to do with multi-tasking and impatient 5-year-olds and probably a sick, drug-induced wife who did not go to the family Christmas party. It has to do with short-term memory and distraction.

And there it is. For three days this pie rested uncut, uneaten, and unappreciated. It must have jostled about quite a bit up there, while held in check by the roof-rack rails. Or maybe it was frozen to the metal. All we know is that it was no match for 70 mph.

May your new year be free of projectiles.

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17 thoughts on “Pie in the sky

  1. TeacherMommy: I know, right? I’m guessing the local sojourns didn’t jostle it enough. But the trek on I-696, that did the trick.

  2. Meleah: Glad I made you laugh. I wish you’d been right behind me with a video camera rolling to capture the moment of impact. Splat!
    Molly: Feeling better. I can’t believe the crazy-busy is back again.

  3. OMG — what road were you on? Do you think it’s still there? I’m so freaking hungry, I’d drive two hours and scrape it off the pavement. Diets suck.

    Thank you for the big belly laugh (literally). Now I’m dreaming of pie.

    Sorry you were sick. Hope you’re better.

  4. Small Town: It was on WB I-696. Funny you should mention it, but I did go back and retrace my tire tracks to see if I could spot the pie mess and plastic container. No such luck. It was the day after we had the snow-melting, heavy rain.

  5. Being half asleep usually really sucks, but does open the door for comedy 😉 On our first date night after my last baby, my husband and I were seated at a table in a cool little bar listening to music. I took off my sweater and my top came off right with it.

    I tried to pretend that I always sit in bars in just a bra (not easy when it’s a nursing bra) and then casually put my raincoat on over it, before excusing myself to the bathroom to put my top back on. When I got back we both almost peed our pants laughing. Good times for the sleep deprived…

  6. i’ve seen people drive away, leaving a baby in a carseat on the sidewalk. fortunately, the baby in question was not left atop the car (and the people realized their error once they realized just how quiet the ride was…for that brief moment.)

    glad you found your pie. if i lived closer, i would make you a replacement pie.

    in fact, may your new year be full of all the non-splattered, yummy pies as you wish 🙂

  7. Sher: The consolation in all this is that it was not a home-made pie. I would have felt terrible if someone’s hard effort in the kitchen ended as road kill.

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