So funny I forgot to laugh

Photo by Pat Hawks via Creative Commons

Tuesday was the worst day ever.

Relatively speaking.

No one died — that I know. No one lost a limb or drove a Segway off a cliff. Wait …

OK. Tuesday was a series of unfortunate events.

Let’s make a list, shall we?

1. Call comes in from client that Wednesday deadline is now Monday deadline, if I don’t mind.

2. I consume a pot of coffee and take the world’s fastest shower. Girl from the East watches a record amount of DVDs while I sweat and hyperventilate to meet deadline. People, do you know what kind of dreams you have after a 12-hour caffeine bender? Let’s just say I had one involving small children, countless bowls of lumpy oatmeal, and the deep woods. There may have been a hungry bear, or maybe it was a wolf, in a supporting role.

3. Realize it’s too late to line up child care so Girl from the East has to tag along on client meeting. Awesome. At client meeting, she manages to launch a rolling desk chair into low orbit.

4. Afterward, I find an out-of-the-way coffee shop. After spending money on food and yes, more coffee, I pull out the company laptop with the measly battery life, only to discover the one electrical outlet available to customers is — on the freakin’ ceiling! You know how the rest of it goes.

5. Heavy rain begins to fall. Next discovery: We’ve left without rain jackets and have one smallish umbrella for all three of us. A little drenched and chilled, I pull  in to the designated pickup spot and call Girl from the West on my phone. Long wait ensues. I grab a book and a blanket and settle in. Suddenly I’m eye-to-eye with a winking red tail light whose attached bumper punches my quarter panel. I sound the horn. Twice. I roll down the window, shout and wave my arms. The driver speeds away.

6. I call the police to report a hit and run. Police show up one hour later. In the meantime, the guilty party, who identifies himself with one of those ’70s hippie names like Moonbeam, returns from what appears to be a cigarette run. He sits on his porch, smoking and staring. Finally, I approach him, ask if he, by any chance, realizes that he hit my car. He is shocked, I tell you, shocked that he hit my car. He cannot believe he didn’t FEEL it. In fact, he didn’t HEAR my car horn. He had no idea at all that I was parked behind him. It’s quite possible he was unaware he was in a car.

Meanwhile, Girl from the West tells me SHE heard my car horn and ignored it, thinking I was being dramatic.

But Moonbeam’s girlfriend is mad at him, too. He hit my car with HER CAR! Now it’s a big deal, you see.

After the police officer, who had all the patience and understanding of an executioner, leaves, Moonbeam begs me to tell him what I’m going to do. He needs to know, you see, because he’s leaving for California immediately.

He called me again today. He gave me his e-mail address and his phone number. He wants me to call him when I know what I’m going to do.

If you live in California, watch out for a guy who calls himself Moonbeam.

17 thoughts on “So funny I forgot to laugh

  1. Horrid! I’m just down here on the computer for 0 seconds between two kids’ bedtimes to do something for my band and your story totally sucked me in (and, actually cheered me up about my brutal day). So thanks for being so funny even in the face of such day suckage and and hope tomorrow is better (it’s got to be, right?).

    Also I read your other post and please don’t stop writing, I’m sure I’m not the only one you cheer up and motivate to keep going 🙂

  2. Tanya: See, this is why I blog.
    Libby: Coffee houses that don’t want my business, that’s who. I think the official explanation was that it was for the Open/Closed sign in the window.

  3. I was just about to say that we have a lot of Moonbeams out here, and then I read San Diego MOmma’s comment. I couldn’t have said it better. Sorry about your day. Sounds like the day I broke my computer AND my laptop and had my kids running aroudn the Apple store yelling “I’m so hungry mom. I’ve never been so hungry in MY LIFE!” Oh, and the I started my period, while wearing jeggings. I laughed that day just about as much as you laughed on this day with Mr Moonbeam. Cheers to better days.

  4. MamaMary: Oh, that IS a bad day.I think kids have a highly sensitive radar that detects stress. Once the alarms sound, they spin into action, turning the chaos level to 11.

  5. Ugh, some days are just shit like that! So sorry! Hope things are better. Boy do I know what that is like to run around and marvel at the fact that panic attack hasn’t begun because you have no choice but to KEEP MOVING. Hugs to you.

  6. Meleah: Thanks. I need a non-sucky-ass day soon.
    Kristy: I call that the pinball machine experience. Now I have to click over and read about your panic.

  7. Mmmm, sorry you lost me at blanket. Do you really keep a blanket in your car? All I could think of was rain and cold outside while you’re snuggled inside your car…in a blanket. Damn, girl that’s some good thinking.

    I think you should pack a small hunk of cheese and some crackers, maybe a thermous of apple cider, in your car (with your blanket and book).

    I need a snack and a nap now.

    P.S. Sorry about your car.

  8. Small town: yes, I have several blankets in my car. My oldest daughter’s school is 25 miles one way. We spend a lot of time on the road. I spend a lot of time waiting around in the car. Also, I have books, magazines and a cooler in my car!

  9. There are many colorful characters here in California, but I haven’t yet met a Moonbeam. Unless you count the once-and-future governator, whom I also haven’t met. Could it have been MoonBEAMER? Check the Berkeley phone book. Hope you and your car have sufficiently recovered.

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