My head is floating in a cup of celestial tea

Photo by Mohawk via Creative Commons

I’ve had quite a week.

I accomplished something I’ve been preparing for since last fall. It’s been an intensely personal journey that I’ve shared only with my immediate family and one close friend. Along the way, I tried not to think too deeply about whether I would make my goal, I just followed the steps and listened to my heart.

What I did is follow through on something I’ve wanted to do for quite a long time. Nearly all my life. It doesn’t really matter what it is. It matters only to me. What I do with it is the only thing that matters to anyone else. It’s a first step toward a more authentic life. The life I want for me. Not the life that others have told me I should live in order to please them.

Following the big day I found myself carried on an indescribable wave of peace and happiness and joy. I felt different, but how? Things seemed clearer, but in what way? I wanted to be quiet and introspective and sequester myself from the world. I wanted to hang onto this amazing head-floaty feeling.

But life has a way of elbowing in on those rosy-tinted moments. It did so a few times this week. Once, at a writer’s meeting, when I felt grossly inadequate and realized the speaker’s “sharing” of her knowledge was only a thinly veiled excuse to peddle her moral agenda. Again, a squirmy feeling at an event at which I was easily 25 years older than everyone else in attendance. And yet again, when I gathered with some casual acquaintances and questioned what I had in common with them anymore.

I’m evaluating everything, questioning if some of the things I’m doing (blogging) are good or bad for my well-being. I’m examining my relationships and deciding if hanging on to some is counter-productive to my personal growth. If I have to hide so much of who I am at my core, what value is the friendship? I’m exploring my desires and motives to achieve certain things. To what end?

Every day is going to throw these wild pitches at me. Do I know how to read the signals? Do I have a glove and do I know how to use it?

I’m working on dealing head-on with some long-lasting conflicts. I’m working on anger management and being assertive without being abusive. It’s all a delicate dance and I’m a girl born with two left feet.

I’m working on being who I am and accepting me as I am right now. The me that’s 20 pounds overweight and past her prime and living in Detroit. Not the me I’ll be when I lose 20 pounds or get into grad school or move out west and find my dream home/job/life.

This has been the most difficult part. Friends and family snapped pictures of me last weekend at an event. They were candid — as in I didn’t have a fair warning to suck in the gut, stand straight, check my hair or arrange myself in the right angle for the best possible exposure. The images made me sad and dissatisfied. Is this how I look to the world when I don’t realize the world is looking?

I ask myself: If I can admire the crooked oak in my back yard, the misshapen lilacs that line our lot, the goofy markings on my fluffy cat, the exotic beauty of things perfectly imperfect, why can’t I just accept the me that is me right now?

For a few beautiful hours, when the me that is me shined like a thing of beauty inside my head, all was well in the universe.

The tea grows cold. The work begins.

mummytime

10 thoughts on “My head is floating in a cup of celestial tea

  1. I’m there so often, that place of dissatisfaction with myself. Not as often as I used to be, but still.

    Wish I had words of wisdom. I don’t. I barely have words, these days.

    May I offer a virtual hug instead?
    .-= TeacherMommy´s last blog ..mea culpa =-.

  2. I love this post. And I am thrilled that you did one of your big things to do. Very cool. It also sounds like to me you are really right in your prime? The taking on what you want to do, the analysis of friendships and what they mean- all huge and important and very high up Maslow’s hiearchy.

    I also love the reminder to be in the now to enjoy who and what we are. I am have been such a bad buddhist lately- I found your post a great reminder about the “now”.

    BTW- I am in Detroit next month, tea?

  3. TeacherMommy: Oops, this is supposed to be an uplifting post.
    Zombie Mom: I’d love to meet for tea. E-mail me.
    JD: I hope you are right: Less clouds, fewer cling-ons. (Veiled reference to YOUR post.)

  4. You nailed it. Believe our lives begin when we start trying to achieve vs. trying to please. Kudos. I enjoy reading your posts and personally believe blogging as a form of creative writing is both therapeutic as well as informative. The only issue I’ve had is writing out of obligation. It really defeats the purpose. All of my best writing stems from emotion and not from an answer to a self imposed time line. I wish u the best in all of your endeavors and hope u will achieve a level of comfort in the challenging world of self worth.

  5. This is beautifully thoughtful. I hope you find the peace that you are looking for — and I hope that you allow yourself to have that peace as you are searching for what you truly want.

    (Also, having just hugged you in person, may I say that you are stunning, and that I spent half the evening admiring your style?)
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog ..The Currencies of Childhood =-.

  6. Lynn: yes, if I write out of inspiration I do far better than when I feel the pressure to post, post, post.
    MommyTime: I thought the same thing of you. What a coincidence.

  7. Wow. What a beautifully written blog post.

    I’ve had to eliminate certain toxic people from my life, because their friendships weren’t healthy for me. And, over the last few months I have had to make huge changes within myself because I was very unhappy with who I was. Now I have good days and bad days, and for the most part I have learned how to forgive myself and accept myself for who I am MOST OF THE TIME. But NOT all of the time.

    And, I could still really use a few lessons in how to become assertive without being abusive.

    I sincerely hope you find that inner peace you just recently experienced again!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Tina Fey, Liz Lemon =-.

  8. Congratulations on your latest achievement. You’re right, it doesn’t matter to us what it is. In fact, it’s helpful to not “tell all,” because I have things like this in my life too. Things I need to achieve.
    It’s not the first time you’ve written something that touches me, but I’m still amazed at how well you cut to the bone. So many of the honest things you said in this post are things I want and need for myself, too.
    I know it’s not always easy to write something so personal, but I’m glad that you did. Thanks.
    Suz
    .-= Suz Broughton´s last blog ..LOST without LOST? I’m here for you =-.

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