Spam, you have me all mixed up

spamwich

Do you read your Spam?

I do. It’s that sick part of me that pretends I have so much fan mail that it takes pages and pages to get through it all.

… ahem …

Here is a sampler of what my fans around the globe say to me:

Hi there, I found your blog via Google while searching for first aid for a heart attack …”

“New here .. Found this site for searching for criminal/dwi/dui attorneys on Long Island, New York.”

Gee, thanks. I’d like to think if I were having a heart attack, someone would call 911 rather than search the blogosphere for first aid advice. That’s just me, though.

On another post about my blogging anniversary, I got a little battle of contradictions:

One guys asks: “what r u talking about?”
Another thinks I’m a softie: “So mush Info”
While another declares: “Hey good stuff…keep up the good work!”

Roy90, whom I have never met, seems to have me mixed up with someone else, but I’ll take the accolades anyway.

]evidence

What’s with the medical advice? Do babies have hemorrhoids? If there is someone other than a nursing mother wearing a nursing sports bra, I don’t want to know about it, OK?

Hi, I have been looking into some natural hemmorid treatments and cures and I am looking for anyone that has tried them? … I am just looking for something safe for my baby…I am pretty much staying away from any chemical/medicines…just to be on the safe side.”

“Hello to all Moms…!

I need assistance on market researching nursing and sports bras.

Please, only moms reply.”

And my advice regarding the following diatribe is that mothers and sons should not be shopping for bondage gear together, OK?

A mother, her son, and why women on top of 50 bondage gear should look after some brand of modesty”

How about Mr. show-off Pierre, who makes me feel like my husband is being a cheap skate on our anniversary?

“I’m Pierre. I bought my wife a dress, renovated our living room and took her on a vacation,

but the thing that stirred her the most was without a doubt my intention to buy loose diamonds for our gold wedding anniversary.”

Well, Pierre, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, isn’t it? Stop throwing your money around. Your wife is probably plotting her getaway after cashing in those loose diamonds.

Next, a series of left-handed compliments:

“Thanks for keeping it on point! Speak slower, louder, quieter”

“Hey, I found your blog in a new directory of blogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, anyway cool blog, I bookmarked you.”

“In truth, immediately i didn’t understand the essence. But after re-reading all at once became clear.”

Some Spammers just need to get a life — or a better line:

“Hey Folks
I’ve been around here for a while now, and I finally found something worth writing about: I found a great deal on custom entertainment centers.”

“Hi! I’m looking for an advice where I can watch movies? ”

These two should get together. Anyone know a good Spammer matchmaking service?

“If you know someone around you who is being a little shady and you are getting uncomfortable around them, then maybe you might want to run a small background report on the person in question to make sure that they are ‘who they say they are’.”

“’I’m a lawyer.”

And, in closing, I leave you with these gems:
“Where’s the blog roll?
“If cash comes with fame, come fame; if cash comes without fame, come cash.”
”When is the next bus to the airport?”

Note: I didn’t bother cleaning up the typos, misspellings and other errors in the Spam. Why should I make them look good?

What’s in your SPAM folder?


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5 thoughts on “Spam, you have me all mixed up

  1. I’ve got “How much money should I have saved for a cross country road trip?” as a response to my most recent post on my blog – a picture of my daughter. I guess the sight of a newborn baby makes him want to run away and get as far across the country as possible?

  2. Wow too funny. I’m not popular enough to have spam quite yet since my blog is fairly new but I’m looking forward to the off the wall comments that could be made to me.

    Thanks for sharing all the crazies that never even bother to read your posts.

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